My Beautiful Flower

I spent the adult portion of almost 41 years being an avid non-breeder. My friends were mostly non-breeders. My husband and I married agreeing to never have kids. My family had given up asking "if" and "when" and had just accepted the fact that kids were not going to part of my life. I had perfected the art of holding up the 'X' sign and hissing if someone asked me about it.

Then, a strange thing happened. My husband's practice wife died. She was only a few years older then my 41 years. I never met "Mean Jean" as she was known, but for some reason her death affected me in a profound way. The news sent me on a 9-month journey of obsessing about getting our affairs in order, to trying to find my practice husband to see if he was still alive, to revisiting most of the choices I had made in my life. I thought a lot about regrets. In the far reaches of my mind, the word "baby" was a faint sound that kept reverberating. I mostly ignored it.

One day, I summoned my bravery and asked myself, "why don't I want kids?" I made a list. A long list. When I looked at the list, I realized that the things on it were based in fear. "What if I couldn't take care of a child? What if I wasn't a good mom?" etc. Then, I asked myself, "What if I removed all the fear and self-doubt and just trusted that everything would be okay, how would I feel then?" The answer came to me in absolute clarity, "I cannot imagine my life without a child in it." The thought was terrifying. It challenged the very belief system on which I had built my life.

After another few months of thinking it through, I finally decided to broach the subject with Mark. "I know we got married agreeing never to have kids, but I've change my mind, would you consider it?" His immediate response, "Absolutely, let's do it." Whoaaa, wait a minute!! I've spent the last 9+ months deliberating this and he made the decision in less than 5 seconds??? I was stunned. I refused to accept that as his real answer demanding that we take a few months to think about it. We spent all of Oct, Nov, Dec and part of Jan playing the 'what if we had a baby right now, how would our lives be different' game. I laugh at that now, I mean really?? We had no clue.

The first week of Feb 2007, we started "trying". Feb 17th, I was holding a pregnancy test with a faint + sign. I asked for a ruling from Mark he called it a 'no go'. I headed to the pharmacy to pick up digital tests- I needed a higher degree of accuracy. The next morning, I called my friend Sandy. She told me to take another test while she was on the phone. Definitely pregnant. 3 more positive pregnancy tests and a blood test later, I was finally convinced.

The pregnancy and birth is a story for another day, but suffice it to say my life change for the good that day, forever. I am the luckiest person in the world that she chose me to be her mom.

We named her Lily Belle because we wanted a name that was strong and lyrical and captured the essence of what we wanted for our child...to live life out loud, outdoors, full of joy; a take no prisoners, all out assault on grabbing life by the horns and going for it; and, a confidence that no matter where she was in life, she would always be our beautiful flower.