Back to work...

50 variations of the same "How was it going back to work?" theme later and I wonder, will I ever care again? I mean really- how important is the work I do compared to my role as the support system, nurturer, master snuggler, booty cleaner, shoulder to lean on, breast to feed on, favorite place to nap, defender of all evils? All week long, I struggled...not with missing Lily or with maintaining an emotional equilibrium...I had transitioned myself enough for that. I struggled with finding the reason I worked so hard and it meant so much.

I saw glimpses of it...the door to my office decorated complete with paper awning and curtain, a poster full of well wishes and welcomes. Familiar faces I was happy to see sharing idle chatter in the corridor. Feeling strong and powerful in my element, dry erase marker in hand, negotiating, listening and solving...losing myself in the rhythm until I came to hours later realizing I was completely sucked in with no thought to the life I lived the previous 20 weeks. How is that possible that I could compartmentalize so well, so completely? A familiar focus displacing the object of my heart's desire who so adroitly is exercising her will- not taking the bottle, holding out for my daily nursing visits during the noon hour.

It is that which frightens me the most. The complete detachment from my personal life to become the corporate machine waking up years later to find a teenager in the midst and wondering where the time went. Missing the chance to savor every moment, mired in corporate speak unable to wrench free of the golden handcuffs.

I stumbled through the week desperately wanting to redefine me in the midst of the never ending, unchanging, unrelenting pace of work, searching for more glimmers of worth, worrying that I was not producing enough, struggling to care.

Taking deep breaths, steadying my thoughts, declaring my intentions, slowing it all down, counting to ten, all in the vein of centering myself & finding the one nugget that will make it all worthwhile as the time rushes by and I'm home again.